alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
