Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
