hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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