____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
Randomize
