She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
