Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Randomize