dude i'm inner monologue high
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
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