If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
