woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
Randomize
