you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
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