Wooohooo! I'm sitting in the car like a creep watching people walk in and out of Blush. Lots of happy people.
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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