Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
Randomize
