really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
Randomize
