I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Randomize
