Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
Randomize