I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
Dicks are not precious.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
