Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
