After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
Randomize
