Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Randomize