I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
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