tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Randomize
