I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
