You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
Randomize
