sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Randomize
