I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Two words: blizzard sex
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
Randomize
