The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
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