OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Randomize
