I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Randomize
