I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
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