Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
