Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
Randomize
