Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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