My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Randomize
