you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Randomize
