If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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