Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Randomize
