I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Randomize
