I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Randomize
