so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
