I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
did i just pee glitter
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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