I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Randomize
