I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
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