Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Randomize
