The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
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