Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Randomize