just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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