It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize
