Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
Randomize
