His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
