The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Randomize
