just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
Randomize
