oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
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