just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Randomize
